Idol Illusion

The fact that your idols are not really what you’ve always thought them to be is one incredibly hard to accept.

Incredibly hard, but I accepted it.

Saturday evening, October 8th, I went to Rockaway 2011, admittedly to catch All Time Low perform, after years of hoping they would come to Malaysia. The moment I heard they were coming, I jumped on it – I bought tickets, made a fan poster, went, and waited for them to come on. During the wait however, they showed up amongst the audience for a meet-and-greet session. I saw them, screamed, and ran away.

I’d heard every one of their songs and watched loads of fan videos on YouTube; I felt like I knew them. But when I saw Alex the lead singer in the flesh, knowing that I was just another fan girl to him – that if he even did see me, it was only for the first time in his life – wasn’t something I could fully grasp. Difficult as it is to admit, I was star-struck.

Jack plays guitar for All Time Low

Today, I was tweet-browsing, and saw a tweet from Rahul, one of the organisers of Rockaway:

@rahulOBS: @postagig they swore perfusely on stage. Police told em to stop. They told m’sian police2fuck off &they kept swearin on stage.

That caught my attention instantly. I supposed he was talking about the show that night, and I knew All Time Low were famous for “swearing profusely onstage”. I scrolled down and saw an earlier tweet:

@rahulOBS: When artists perform in Malaysia, you have to RESPECT the laws of our country. When u don’t, you disrespect US.

I went over to his profile, read his recent tweets, most of which were on the same issue, and the recent tweets from other users directed to him, also relating to the then current topic, and discovered an entire controversy regarding the band’s misbehaviour at the show on Saturday. My supposition was confirmed, and my immediate response was of indignation. I tweeted Rahul:

@rahulOBS if I remember correctly 1 of our local bands swore on stage too earlier on :/ I was surprised, but thought somehow it was allowed.

And I did remember correctly. Rahul tweeted back:

@SherylGSh none of the local bands told our police to fuck off. And told me, malaysia sucks and we are idiots. Only @AllTimeLow

Even then, I refused to believe their action was wrong. I felt an overwhelming sense of defence, and my immediate thoughts were “Oh, so what?” and on one of Rahul’s other tweets:

@rahulOBS: All Time Low memang All Time Low. Bunch of rich spoilt brats. Manager just called again to apologise. Too late guys, too late. Damage done.

I instantly thought, “Well, rich spoilt brats is a whole other thing. We all know it takes hard work to get where they are.”

I also saw:

@izzahzie: to them girls that did the toilet seat for #Alltimelow , sorry to say. they left it on the floor. no, not in their room :)

and it took a bit of a struggle, but I still thought, “A toilet seat? Hey, that’s totally impractical. What were they supposed to do with it anyway?”

I just wanted so badly to defend them, and – I realised this later – it was not as much for anyone else as it was for myself.

I really loved these guys – I idolised them. I do enjoy their music, but what I’ve always loved most about the band was that they always seemed to be having so much fun. They’d always seemed like amazing, easy-going, nice, funny guys. To be able to meet them as an equal and not as a screaming fan, and to live lives like the ones they seemed to live, were the only reasons I could have for ever wanting to be famous. That night, I watched them play, screamed, cheered, and sang along to all their songs. I went home more motivated than I’d ever been. I wanted more than ever to chase that dream. The last thing I wanted to know was that they were “rich spoilt brats”.

I didn’t bother retaliating – I was too busy trying to convince myself that All Time Low weren’t what they were accused of being. I opened YouTube and revisited my favourite videos of them hanging out, backstage, or in their own private spaces. I also watched clips of some of their live shows and some interviews that had never before failed to inspire me in music and in life.

But this time, I was nothing but dispirited. I couldn’t look at Alex the same way I did just a couple of days ago. I could see nothing more than haughtiness and insensitivity.

I was pissed. Utterly upset. At Alex. At All Time Low. At the participants in the dispute. At Rahul. At Twitter. At myself.

Why did they have to be so rude? Why did they have to cause so much trouble? Why did everyone have to make such a big fuss about it? Why does everything have to be so public and accessible these days? Why couldn’t I have just stayed in my fucking happy bubble and just continued being oblivious to All Time Low’s insolence? Why had I been so bloody oblivious?

It was depressing. It really was. It was also humiliating. I’d just found out I was on the losing side, and that’s never good news. It was an insult to my judgment. But most of all, it was disillusioning. They were my idols, damn it. It was as if God showed up and said, “Haha, I’m actually Satan”. You may say I’m exaggerating, but that’s really what it felt like then.

Depressing, humiliating and disillusioning as it all was, I managed to accept it. It’s heartbreaking, but it’s done, and I’m proud of myself. I think it takes strength to believe that God is really Satan, and to admit I was wrong about something I stood faithfully by for years.

It’s been a battle, but I’ve managed to put things in perspective. My eyes have been pried open. The lids are still a little sore, but the pain won’t linger. In fact, I’m constantly feeling a slight uplift in spirit.

I guess sometimes it’s good to know that your idols are not perfect, too. It’s too easy to be blinded by admiration and reverence. It’s funny how learning one thing changes everything.

I will continue to admire the qualities of theirs that I’ve always adored, but I don’t think they will be the driving force towards fame anymore. Maybe now it will be wanting to be a better role model for others that will be that force.

Thank you anyway All Time Low for finally coming to Malaysia, and the team at Rockaway 2011 for bringing them over. It was fun nonetheless!

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